Lessons from My Dad

My dad was diagnosed with “mild cognitive impairment”, the earliest stage of dementia, seven years ago. Ever since, he’s been teaching me lessons. It’s not that he hasn’t always taught me plenty; it’s just that the lessons these days are more poignant because of the many challenges he deals with each day.

It’s a blessing, also, to see my mom’s perseverance and genuine support of Dad, in spite of the personal toll that caregiving for her husband has placed upon her. Their marriage – 60 years this December! – has modeled for the rest of us what is meant by fidelity, determination, and making the best out of difficult circumstances.

My dad was diagnosed with early stage dementia when he was 74 years old. Today he is 81 and still with us. His decline has been gradual, for which I am continually grateful. I’ve been able to keep that perspective throughout his illness. He has been able to recognize his loved ones and spend quality time with us. Throughout, I’ve gleaned some valuable character lessons.

First of all, and probably most important, my dad has leaned in to Gratitude. Ever since his diagnosis, my dad seems to understand that taking care of him is a sacrifice for all of his family members and he has been sure to say thank you. “You’ve done a lot,” he regularly says; “Thank you for all you’ve done to help me.” This refrain has been a treasure to us. He understands that it’s not easy to juggle it all, and his sincere words are a gift.

Also, my dad has been able to maintain Empathy, which is pretty tough to do when your health is falling apart. I’ll never forget the day I had to tell my dad that he would be going to live in a Memory Care Facility so that my mom could get some rest. After years of caring for my dad at home, it had become physically impossible for my mom to continue. We knew the transition would be difficult. I offered to be the one to break the news to him.

When I shared with Dad, I emphasized my mom’s health and explained that his living in a Memory Care Facility would mean that my mom could visit him and not have to be his nurse. This would be good for their marriage and good for her health, I explained. My dad’s immediate response was: “I think that would be a good idea and would be good for Mom.” His kneejerk empathetic reaction inspired me and immediately brought tears to my eyes. I recognized his commitment to his wife in that unselfish statement.

In addition, he has lived into Courage. My dad’s mantra to me as I was growing up was: “Biggin, life’s hard; you gotta be tough.” It’s a fitting mantra for him because he’s always been a tough person. He has outlasted some pretty difficult circumstances, including the sudden passing of his mom when he was ten years old. He left the farm to attend college, the first person to do so in his family history. He sought help for alcoholism and has remained sober for the past 20 years.

But this season of his life has called for courage at a new level. Facing dementia and, on top of that, cancer of the larynx (calling for surgery and radiation) over the past seven years has been difficult, but Dad has faced his fears to do what has been necessary.

Dad has continued to prioritize his Faith. When he has the chance to attend church, he enjoys going. Friends at church have provided a special, warm community of caring for him. They even form a line to say hello when he is present in the Sanctuary. Dad enjoys singing and listening to the prayers and sermons. He receives Holy Communion and always thanks us for making sure he can attend. 

And finally, I’ve learned the importance of having a Positive Attitude. Living in a Memory Care Facility is not pleasant. The anxiety my dad experiences each day because of declining memory (and even some paranoia) is challenging, to say the least. But I have to say that my dad models for us how to do your best with difficult circumstances. He is cheerful, thoughtful of the needs of others, and willing to share wisdom with those who care for him each day. Several of his nurses have shared with me that he is the one they go to for advice. Despite multiple health challenges, both physical and mental, my dad still finds a way to have a sense of purpose each day. He’s quick to smile and joke with others. He notices the birds at his bird feeders and enjoys them.

Currently experiencing middle age, I find that I am tucking away these lessons in my heart. I’m grateful for the lessons I’m learning from my dad and consider them treasures, as I know our time together is limited. It’s my prayer that I can teach some of these same lessons to my grandchildren and children.